This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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