I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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