"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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