Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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