We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
