tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
