I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
