FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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