The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
