i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I looked at my own cervix.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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