I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
