I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
