my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
