I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
