Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
