my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
