And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize