Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
