I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
