the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im holly from the hills drunk
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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