I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
