you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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