mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
