Please don't use social media to get back at me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
