Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
