just come out here and I will go home with you...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
