Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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