Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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