don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
