You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
