2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
