Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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