dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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