Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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