I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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