He is such a slut. More and more my type.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
