You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
