Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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