He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
