You just made me feel so damn special
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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