hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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