you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
