Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
