I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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