Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize