You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
