There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
