I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
