I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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