I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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