dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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