I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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