Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
