And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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