I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i think i have two assholes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
