i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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