I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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