If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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