The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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