woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
this just has baby written all over it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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